"I didn't care that you left and abandoned me, what hurts more is I would still die for you."

- Armor For Sleep 

Signing Off

Don't worry this isn't the end, far from it I feel. Now the obligatory pessimism is complete on with what I wanted to talk about. I have decided  its about time I expanded my knowledge and skills and have started to learn a new language, in the words of Rolf Harris....Can you guess what is is yet?

Of course its Sign language. Do I know anyone who is deaf? No. Will I ever have a conversation with anyone who is deaf? Probably not. Is it all gonna be a colossal waste of time? I hope not. Will I finally understand the person in the corner on late night TV? Damn straight I will be!

Today I took my first baby steps into the world of signing, learning the basics of language that we all learn when we're in nursery, such as the alphabet, greetings & basic words. I have to say I'm finding it surprisingly enjoyable and therapeutic for someone who likes to talk with there hands a lot. Hopefully in future I'll get around to producing a vlog in sign language, not that any of you would understand it in the slightest.

On that note I shall sign off

Life of Bi

No this is not me confessing that I like dudes and have embraced bi-sexuality, nor is it a crappy children fantasy novel. No this is an altogether different kettle of fish. This post is purely about Bi-Polar Disorder and how other people react. This will be an education for most of you. Many of you now know the secret I kept for years and those of you who don't, you do now. I would have kept this secret for years hiding this undesirable trait of my personality. Do I regret my decision? No. My only regret was telling that first person, not realising that a few months down the line they would use it against me.

One of the first questions people asked me when I finally told them the truth was “Why did you feel the need to hide it?” The answer to that is very simple. There is a massive stigma within modern society over the subject of mental health disorders and now I have decided to share my disorder with others I have found that there are three different types of reaction:

The first and most extreme is outright hostility towards me, maybe they fear me or have some superiority complex or maybe they are that damn egotistical that they couldn't give a rat arse about anything but their perfect lives. It doesn't matter; they still make it their mission to be aggressive and generally condescending with every interaction with me, if they interact at all. Thankfully this is niche group within society but yes they do exist, they walk amongst you. But you will never see this side to them. The task of dealing with knowing you’re a “fucked in the head” isn't made any easier by their constant belligerence and antagonism. Hopefully these obstinately prejudice people will either grow up or fuck off I do not care which, because I am done dealing with you.

The second type and by far the most common of all the responses is those who know of my condition but choose not to acknowledge it or talk about it in front of me. Once again I do not know why people struggle to talk to about mental health in a modern age, where many people have many varied disorders. I don’t know what to say to you people apart from come talk to me sometime, you never know you might learn something or make my day. (and what’s bad about either of them)

Finally there is the group I’m most grateful for, but unfortunately they are the rarest of all. These chosen few are the ones who are willing to talk and understand the actions and the consequences of living day in and day out with a form of bi-polar. They may not be people closest to you; they maybe people who have know you for short periods or those who have sat on the horizon of friendship for years. It does not matter they have hearts made of pure gold. These altruistic chosen few are what I wish the human race was made up of, then we would not have corruption, war and brutality. These beacons of honour, of chivalry are paragons of human kind and if you are one of the few who are reading this, I thank you wholeheartedly.

Let the Sky Fall or will it crumble?

I went to watch the latest instalment of the James Bond franchise; Skyfall a few weeks ago, but I’ve held off writing a review as many people at the time had yet to see it and I didn’t want to ruin it all for people with spoilers. So I’ve given it plenty of time and if you still haven’t seen it where the fuck have you been?

 Let’s start with the 45minutes of Bond related advertisements before the film, yes the rumours are true this is the most commercial bond film ever whoring its self out to multinational corporations , this has led to some controversy with the placement of a certain Dutch Lager Brand, in a scene which has no bearing on plot or character progression. Many die hard bond fans became annoyed because Bond drinks vodka martinis, well guess what idiots? He does, several scenes later. So get the sticks out your arses and pay attention to the film instead of trying to pick it apart.

Nevertheless on to the film I will go. I will admit like most films I went into the cinema with quite low expectations, these is mainly due to the distinctly average film Quantum of Solace became after the sheer awesomeness of Casino Royale. I have to say the verdict is I was pleasantly surprised.  The opening action sequence is long and I mean really long, the longest in bond history, but yet in manages to keep you hooked for over five suspense filled minutes. The only issue with it was the inclusion of agent “E”, the crappest female character ever introduced into the bond universe. Not to mention the worst named agent, what happened to the 00’s?

Now we’re on to everyone favourite part of the bond franchise (or maybe just the males), the bond girls, unfortunately this film has a very poor showing. For a while I couldn’t, work out who was the bond girl but I’ve come to the conclusion that it was Judi Dench, seriously Sam Mendez? You have the likes of the smoking hot seductive Bearnice Marlohe and you give her a bit part for about five minutes before killing her. WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?!!! I’m not going to mention the new Moneypenny (former agent “E”) either because it’s clear she was only cast to up the ethnic quota, as she was neither a good actress nor a decent character.

The film itself is packed with little nods to previous bond films which I though was a great little touch especially as the latest films have decided to jump all over the timeline, with the best coming in an appearance of the classic DB5, still as beautiful as it was all those year ago when it first appeared in Goldfinger. If you’ve seen the film you can’t help but notice that this film is clearly designed to reboot the series with the death of M and the introduction of a new M, Q & Moneypenny. Which seems out of place considering it’s the third Daniel Craig film, why was this not done in Casino Royale, actually wait no, it would ruin the amazing film it was.

So in conclusion Skyfall is a good addition to the James Bond franchise, but I could have been so much better, the under utilisation of decent bond girls, which has become a standard in the last two films with Bearnice Marlohe in Skyfall and Gemma Arterton in Quantum of Solace. Hopefully the new film will feature a great bond girl to rival the greats. But if your still looking for an action packed film with great stunts and action sequences that have come to define the modern bond films then Skyfall will not disappoint, the film has more explosions and stereo-typically shit henchmen than you can shake a stick at and defiantely well worth watching.

So the Final Scores are…..

 **** 4/5 Stars

Pros: Bearnice Marlohe(click here and thank me later), DB5, Opening Sequence

Cons: Agent “E”

"When You Go Home, Tell Them Of Us And Say, For Your Tomorrow, We Gave Our Today"

- The Kohima Epitaph 

The Cleanse

Today was the Day! The day I purged the last of the items that either held sentimental value or the gifts that she gave me through the years. Once done into bags they went before donating what I could to charity, so at least someone could profit from my pain, prior to taking the rest to the tip to cleanse my life of the memories and associated feelings of the last few years’ existence.

Days of Reckoning

Judgement Day is HERE! For a long time now I've been looking for some salvation from my life and the constant battles within my mind. I've looked to others, myself & drugs and although they've helped me make it through this far, they seem to be lacking that edge that I need. Today I’m going to take a positive step forward in this ongoing saga. I have come to the conclusion that its time to finally give up on the last of my dreams, like I've given up on all my other dreams in the past for others. Hopefully this will allow me to get on with my meager existence in relative peace, until that final day comes.

“Put your pain in a box. Lock it down. We are men made up of boxes, chambers of loss and triumph. Of hurt, hope and love. No one is stronger or more dangerous than a man who can harness his emotions. His past.

Use it as fuel, as ammunition. As ink to write the most important letter of your life.”

 I’d like to take this opportunity to thank all of you who have been there for me during this time. For those who I have wronged or hurt with my words or actions I apologise. And for those of you who turned your back on me in my time of need I forgive you. I’ll leave you with a now with a poem from the Native American Shawnee People

“So live your life that the fear of death can never enter your heart. Trouble no one about their religion; respect others in their view, and demand that they respect yours. Love your life, perfect your life, beautify all things in your life. Seek to make your life long and its purpose in the service of your people. Prepare a noble death song for the day when you go over the great divide. 

Always give a word or a sign of salute when meeting or passing a friend, even a stranger, when in a lonely place. Show respect to all people and grovel to none. 

When you arise in the morning give thanks for the food and for the joy of living. If you see no reason for giving thanks, the fault lies only in yourself. Abuse no one and no thing, for abuse turns the wise ones to fools and robs the spirit of its vision. 

When it comes your time to die, be not like those whose hearts are filled with the fear of death, so that when their time comes they weep and pray for a little more time to live their lives over again in a different way. Sing your death song and die like a hero going home.”

- Chief Tecumseh 

New Horizons

New Horizons in the latest creation from Flyleaf and I have to say since the day it came out (30/10/12) I almost haven’t stopped listening to it and have started to sing it in my head at work, the shower and frankly anywhere else that’s possible. I have been a great fan of Flyleaf for many years now, and listed to all their albums and EP’s, but this has to be the best offering they’ve given us so far. The albums features loads a new catchy tunes mixed with lacey Strum amazing vocals which can seamlessly change from Pop-Punk style to heavier metal style screaming. It wastes no time dropping you straight in it with a great first track “Fire, Fire” is a ridiculously catchy tune, which has left me probably shouting FIRE! FIRE! FIRE! As I’ve gone on one of my regular evening runs and frankly making me look like a crazy pyromaniac. After that is goes from strength to strength, with only the odd average to poor offering. So far I’m seeing very little wide of the mark from this album. But there is one problem this will be the last album featuring Lacey Sturm. She has stepped down as lead vocals to be replaced by Kristen May, I can only hope that Kristen can live up to Lacey’s Vocals. Leaving me to enjoy these guys way off into the future. I will now leave you with the frist single from the album “New Horizons”