Year in Review

As it the end of the year it’s time for a summary on the year 2012, 2012 was a big year for the United Kingdom. The Mayan’s predicted the end of the world,  the Olympics came to London, Paul McCartney ruined another national event and we all watched a boat in the rain. I could look at all these events through the typical British cynicism, but I’m going to do something a little different and tell you about my year.

January started in typically shit style within the first few weeks I had developed a lovely case of the man flu, combined with an allergy to an unknown substance (never did find out what it was), led to a week or two of discomfort. As the month passed by, February came and most probably the last Valentine’s I will ever be celebrating with it, if that wasn't enough of a kick in the metaphorical nads, I can’t even remember what we did. In all probability it was nothing, although I seem to remember Nando's being part of it. As the months marched on (see what I did there, yeah I’m a genius, what of it?) I turned 23, although in all honesty I still feel as though I’m 18-19, I’m so not mature enough for all this adults stuff like rent, babies and shit. If anything now at the end of the year I feel even younger as not much has changed in my life since I was 16, I’m still sat on my own playing computer games most of the day, living the dream eh?

Not much happened in April, clearly April is the boring month of the year. May rolled around a brought two great things to my life, firstly and most importantly Game of Thrones returned for its second thrilling season and also on a minor note I started my current job. As summer blossomed into June I jizzed myself on finding out that there was too be a Lego Lord of the Rings game (still haven’t got it or played it, FML). In addition I headed out to Nando's once again, before ending up as my first ever comedy gig with my favourite comedian, the wonderfully talented welsh ranter, Rhod Gilbert. July came round quickly after, with a trip to the ol’ faithful Pen-y-fan, but with a twist this time, we invited everyone with two feet. Was this a blessing or a disaster? I’m not quite sure myself. It was probably a disaster but the insignificant things are now my last memories of things I thought I would never lose but hey we can’t have everything now can we?

The Storm Approached in early August and to quote Mr Smith "My life got flipped, turned upside down" and to celebrate this monumental fuck up Me & the lads headed out for a great trip to Europe's favourite city of debauchery, Amsterdam. September came and I turned to the internet to ease my mind and started to blog for the third time. October came and past much like April did. Moving swiftly into November or Movmeber should I say where I grew an 80's tash (which I secretly miss to this day). At the end on November I ran the Santa dash for the second year running (love puns). 

Finally to end on the year I will finish with a lovely rhyming poem. In to December it all came rushing, another year over and the rain started gushing. Hopefully in the year 2013 I will find someone new and cause much blushing, time to clear out the cobwebs of my life with plenty of brushing, but I’m content for now so there no point in rushing.

Hope You Have A Great New Year & I Wish You All The Best!

Top Trumps
Video Game: FarCry 3
Food: Chipotle
Comedian: Stewart Francis
TV Show: Game of Thrones Season 2
Album: Flyleaf - New Horizons
Film: The Expendables 2
Guilty Pleasure: Taylor Swift - Red

Blood Splatter

As I look upon the arterial red splatters on the walls of white, it reminds me of those tacky horror films, I begin to realise that there is some beauty to be found within the actions & consequences of pain. The seemingly random pattern on the droplets mimicking flicked brush strokes of a great artist’s work. The strikingly bold crimson red contrasting vividly with the cool crisp white. It brings a smile to my face, only a madman would dare to enjoy the sight of this own blood. I guess that’s what I've become now. A madman who can only find happiness in pain. If this were art and not just mere coincidence I’m sure it would have fetched a pretty penny, but alas it is not. No this marks are yet another stain on the wall of my life. Much like a metaphor for my life the pretty red splatters and their beauty is all that most people see, as they view situations from afar. Little do they know that if they had came for a closer inspection, they would find that this pretty crimson art is encrusted with Bacteria and Virus, hidden beneath the masquerading & alluring redness. Many things may seem as though there are okay on the outside, in fact there hidden under this facade is much hurt, pain and torment.

Now to clean this all away so that some may never know the beauty or the pain. To bury all knowledge and pretend that everything’s okay.

Past, Presents, the Future

Focusing too much on the future and you lose focus on the present is exactly what happened to me, too busy sorting out a future left me with nothing in the present and left what I wanted within the past. I have always been a bit of a control freak and a dreamer, a necessity born out of a coping strategy that ultimately failed.  Much like religious keystones of trials and trepidation in the past & present, will eventually lead to a better future & tomorrow (aka the concept of heaven), I have used this principle in order to survive hardships I've had to ordeal and yes it did work for a while at least, maybe I should of headed the warning signs but that’s the beauty of the past... hindsight.  In the past I have been told by a few that I build futures up to much in my mind and end up expecting too much from people. This of course is all entirely true. More often than not the past come back to haunt us but I've never known how virulent the past can be in destroying the future, until you lose the very thing you want the most.

"If you want a vision of the future, imagine a boot stamping on a human face.. forever."

- George Orwell 

"90% of life is just showing up."

- Woody Allen 

Procrastination...

........A writer’s ancient nemesis. Everyone I've known who has wished to be an author, written a short story or wanted to become a part time blogger has always suffered from this ailment. This week more than ever before it’s been stopping me from updating the blog. I've got several posts that I've got locked and loaded in my mind, but there always something that scream’s “do me!” (Unfortunately it’s not a hot chick). This week it has been finally getting around to play everyone’s favorite science game Portal 2, re-watching Season 2 of Game of Thrones & the dreaded Christmas shopping.

Until the time I break out of the chains of  this procrastination, I’ll point you to a few other blogs and things that I've been following:

Ramblings of an Educated Fool: Like blogs with a focus, not made of seemingly random gibberish? Like blogs about obscure board games? Then this blog is for you!

Paul's Fantastic Fiction: The king of procrastination himself, give him an idea for a book and he’ll spend 3 years writing 15 other books but the one you want him to finish. Hopefully one day they’ll be more interesting content on the blog so it’s well worth a follow.

Khyan1:  Been following this guy since a friend introduced me many a year ago, was even lucky enough to star in one of his videos,. Funny, Clever and cynical as any young brit could possibly be. I demand you go watch a few of his videos now....... I said NOW!

Be back soon with bigger and better things.

"I didn't care that you left and abandoned me, what hurts more is I would still die for you."

- Armor For Sleep 

Signing Off

Don't worry this isn't the end, far from it I feel. Now the obligatory pessimism is complete on with what I wanted to talk about. I have decided  its about time I expanded my knowledge and skills and have started to learn a new language, in the words of Rolf Harris....Can you guess what is is yet?

Of course its Sign language. Do I know anyone who is deaf? No. Will I ever have a conversation with anyone who is deaf? Probably not. Is it all gonna be a colossal waste of time? I hope not. Will I finally understand the person in the corner on late night TV? Damn straight I will be!

Today I took my first baby steps into the world of signing, learning the basics of language that we all learn when we're in nursery, such as the alphabet, greetings & basic words. I have to say I'm finding it surprisingly enjoyable and therapeutic for someone who likes to talk with there hands a lot. Hopefully in future I'll get around to producing a vlog in sign language, not that any of you would understand it in the slightest.

On that note I shall sign off

Life of Bi

No this is not me confessing that I like dudes and have embraced bi-sexuality, nor is it a crappy children fantasy novel. No this is an altogether different kettle of fish. This post is purely about Bi-Polar Disorder and how other people react. This will be an education for most of you. Many of you now know the secret I kept for years and those of you who don't, you do now. I would have kept this secret for years hiding this undesirable trait of my personality. Do I regret my decision? No. My only regret was telling that first person, not realising that a few months down the line they would use it against me.

One of the first questions people asked me when I finally told them the truth was “Why did you feel the need to hide it?” The answer to that is very simple. There is a massive stigma within modern society over the subject of mental health disorders and now I have decided to share my disorder with others I have found that there are three different types of reaction:

The first and most extreme is outright hostility towards me, maybe they fear me or have some superiority complex or maybe they are that damn egotistical that they couldn't give a rat arse about anything but their perfect lives. It doesn't matter; they still make it their mission to be aggressive and generally condescending with every interaction with me, if they interact at all. Thankfully this is niche group within society but yes they do exist, they walk amongst you. But you will never see this side to them. The task of dealing with knowing you’re a “fucked in the head” isn't made any easier by their constant belligerence and antagonism. Hopefully these obstinately prejudice people will either grow up or fuck off I do not care which, because I am done dealing with you.

The second type and by far the most common of all the responses is those who know of my condition but choose not to acknowledge it or talk about it in front of me. Once again I do not know why people struggle to talk to about mental health in a modern age, where many people have many varied disorders. I don’t know what to say to you people apart from come talk to me sometime, you never know you might learn something or make my day. (and what’s bad about either of them)

Finally there is the group I’m most grateful for, but unfortunately they are the rarest of all. These chosen few are the ones who are willing to talk and understand the actions and the consequences of living day in and day out with a form of bi-polar. They may not be people closest to you; they maybe people who have know you for short periods or those who have sat on the horizon of friendship for years. It does not matter they have hearts made of pure gold. These altruistic chosen few are what I wish the human race was made up of, then we would not have corruption, war and brutality. These beacons of honour, of chivalry are paragons of human kind and if you are one of the few who are reading this, I thank you wholeheartedly.

Let the Sky Fall or will it crumble?

I went to watch the latest instalment of the James Bond franchise; Skyfall a few weeks ago, but I’ve held off writing a review as many people at the time had yet to see it and I didn’t want to ruin it all for people with spoilers. So I’ve given it plenty of time and if you still haven’t seen it where the fuck have you been?

 Let’s start with the 45minutes of Bond related advertisements before the film, yes the rumours are true this is the most commercial bond film ever whoring its self out to multinational corporations , this has led to some controversy with the placement of a certain Dutch Lager Brand, in a scene which has no bearing on plot or character progression. Many die hard bond fans became annoyed because Bond drinks vodka martinis, well guess what idiots? He does, several scenes later. So get the sticks out your arses and pay attention to the film instead of trying to pick it apart.

Nevertheless on to the film I will go. I will admit like most films I went into the cinema with quite low expectations, these is mainly due to the distinctly average film Quantum of Solace became after the sheer awesomeness of Casino Royale. I have to say the verdict is I was pleasantly surprised.  The opening action sequence is long and I mean really long, the longest in bond history, but yet in manages to keep you hooked for over five suspense filled minutes. The only issue with it was the inclusion of agent “E”, the crappest female character ever introduced into the bond universe. Not to mention the worst named agent, what happened to the 00’s?

Now we’re on to everyone favourite part of the bond franchise (or maybe just the males), the bond girls, unfortunately this film has a very poor showing. For a while I couldn’t, work out who was the bond girl but I’ve come to the conclusion that it was Judi Dench, seriously Sam Mendez? You have the likes of the smoking hot seductive Bearnice Marlohe and you give her a bit part for about five minutes before killing her. WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?!!! I’m not going to mention the new Moneypenny (former agent “E”) either because it’s clear she was only cast to up the ethnic quota, as she was neither a good actress nor a decent character.

The film itself is packed with little nods to previous bond films which I though was a great little touch especially as the latest films have decided to jump all over the timeline, with the best coming in an appearance of the classic DB5, still as beautiful as it was all those year ago when it first appeared in Goldfinger. If you’ve seen the film you can’t help but notice that this film is clearly designed to reboot the series with the death of M and the introduction of a new M, Q & Moneypenny. Which seems out of place considering it’s the third Daniel Craig film, why was this not done in Casino Royale, actually wait no, it would ruin the amazing film it was.

So in conclusion Skyfall is a good addition to the James Bond franchise, but I could have been so much better, the under utilisation of decent bond girls, which has become a standard in the last two films with Bearnice Marlohe in Skyfall and Gemma Arterton in Quantum of Solace. Hopefully the new film will feature a great bond girl to rival the greats. But if your still looking for an action packed film with great stunts and action sequences that have come to define the modern bond films then Skyfall will not disappoint, the film has more explosions and stereo-typically shit henchmen than you can shake a stick at and defiantely well worth watching.

So the Final Scores are…..

 **** 4/5 Stars

Pros: Bearnice Marlohe(click here and thank me later), DB5, Opening Sequence

Cons: Agent “E”

"When You Go Home, Tell Them Of Us And Say, For Your Tomorrow, We Gave Our Today"

- The Kohima Epitaph 

The Cleanse

Today was the Day! The day I purged the last of the items that either held sentimental value or the gifts that she gave me through the years. Once done into bags they went before donating what I could to charity, so at least someone could profit from my pain, prior to taking the rest to the tip to cleanse my life of the memories and associated feelings of the last few years’ existence.

Days of Reckoning

Judgement Day is HERE! For a long time now I've been looking for some salvation from my life and the constant battles within my mind. I've looked to others, myself & drugs and although they've helped me make it through this far, they seem to be lacking that edge that I need. Today I’m going to take a positive step forward in this ongoing saga. I have come to the conclusion that its time to finally give up on the last of my dreams, like I've given up on all my other dreams in the past for others. Hopefully this will allow me to get on with my meager existence in relative peace, until that final day comes.

“Put your pain in a box. Lock it down. We are men made up of boxes, chambers of loss and triumph. Of hurt, hope and love. No one is stronger or more dangerous than a man who can harness his emotions. His past.

Use it as fuel, as ammunition. As ink to write the most important letter of your life.”

 I’d like to take this opportunity to thank all of you who have been there for me during this time. For those who I have wronged or hurt with my words or actions I apologise. And for those of you who turned your back on me in my time of need I forgive you. I’ll leave you with a now with a poem from the Native American Shawnee People

“So live your life that the fear of death can never enter your heart. Trouble no one about their religion; respect others in their view, and demand that they respect yours. Love your life, perfect your life, beautify all things in your life. Seek to make your life long and its purpose in the service of your people. Prepare a noble death song for the day when you go over the great divide. 

Always give a word or a sign of salute when meeting or passing a friend, even a stranger, when in a lonely place. Show respect to all people and grovel to none. 

When you arise in the morning give thanks for the food and for the joy of living. If you see no reason for giving thanks, the fault lies only in yourself. Abuse no one and no thing, for abuse turns the wise ones to fools and robs the spirit of its vision. 

When it comes your time to die, be not like those whose hearts are filled with the fear of death, so that when their time comes they weep and pray for a little more time to live their lives over again in a different way. Sing your death song and die like a hero going home.”

- Chief Tecumseh 

New Horizons

New Horizons in the latest creation from Flyleaf and I have to say since the day it came out (30/10/12) I almost haven’t stopped listening to it and have started to sing it in my head at work, the shower and frankly anywhere else that’s possible. I have been a great fan of Flyleaf for many years now, and listed to all their albums and EP’s, but this has to be the best offering they’ve given us so far. The albums features loads a new catchy tunes mixed with lacey Strum amazing vocals which can seamlessly change from Pop-Punk style to heavier metal style screaming. It wastes no time dropping you straight in it with a great first track “Fire, Fire” is a ridiculously catchy tune, which has left me probably shouting FIRE! FIRE! FIRE! As I’ve gone on one of my regular evening runs and frankly making me look like a crazy pyromaniac. After that is goes from strength to strength, with only the odd average to poor offering. So far I’m seeing very little wide of the mark from this album. But there is one problem this will be the last album featuring Lacey Sturm. She has stepped down as lead vocals to be replaced by Kristen May, I can only hope that Kristen can live up to Lacey’s Vocals. Leaving me to enjoy these guys way off into the future. I will now leave you with the frist single from the album “New Horizons”

Jack Bauer ain't got shit on me.

Just giving you guys and insight into the 24 hours of my so called inconsequential life so I can bore you with the mundane. 

So I awake to two vibrations on my phone alarm once at 7:30am again, think about her for 2 seconds before telling myself to stop giving a fuck about her. Then I chuck on some clothes, take a piss and head on down to begin the day. Once I’m in the kitchen I brew up a tea, grab two biscuits and a few tablets and scoff them down my gullet while watching ever more depressing news stories, just waiting to brighten up my day even more. Before heading up stairs for a grooming & hygiene session (yeah it takes some effort to look like I don’t, not much granted but some). After that I whack on some shoes, head out the door and get in the car and sit in the early morning traffic.

Roughly 8:10am I arrive at my desk in silence and then I will usually proceed to spend the next 20 minutes on my own sorting shit out for the day ahead in silence also. Afterwards everyone else turns up and things get better and time starts to fly until 10:30am, when thoughts of her remerge in my head, then the battle to try and distract myself truly begins.  This is a battle that I frequently loose and a war that sees no sign of end or victory. Slowly approaching comes the first respite of the day.

At lunch I head on out on my own into the dilapidated ghost town that is Bracknell Town Centre, a more depressing sight there is not. As I meander my way through snotty nosed brats and single mums past boarded up shops, my mind starts start to embitter and I start to envy any sense of affection shown in public. I then feel my choler rise as pensioners shuffle ever more slowly beneath my feet as I rush to get a sandwich I’ve tasted too many times before. Subsequently I start queuing for the only working self service checkout (which barely works) before heading back through the unwashed masses, to sit at my desk, read the daily news stories, while eating some of my lunch before proceeding to chucking the rest in the bin, then popping a few more pills before getting back to work.

The time is now 1:45pm and the workload starts to dry up, so I head on down stairs to stand around doing work on my lonesome, exchanging the occasional “hello’s” and “how are you’s” to acquaintances & colleagues. All the while the battle raging in my head has started over again and it looks like I’m loosing again. Then as the day closes the banter picks up and respite is gained once gain. At 4:57pm i hit the shut down button and pack up for the day, proceeding to get back in the car and head to Sainsbury’s grab a few bits for dinner and head on home.

Finally I’m home! It’s all of wanted all day.... or is it?

I subsequently continue to get changed, crank up some music and get the dinner on. Nothing tastes the same as it ever did as I throw the lacklustre mouthfuls down my gullet, with the addition of a few more pills (because I haven’t had enough already today). Now the time has come to check out the day’s events online and what’s this? Nothing has happened again. At about 8:00pm I break out a few push ups and sit ups before heading out in the cold & wet night to run for 3-5miles, past places that hold too many memories of past lives, which only end up distracting me from the cleanse running used to be on my mind. Once I’m done I return home and carry out the Three S’s (shower, shit, shave. For those who don’t know).  The rest of the evening is then spent catching up on the TV I’ve missed in the previous days.

Now we’re into the endgame. Still awake? Thought not. I did say it would be very boring and I’m hoping it didn’t disappoint. The time is now 10:30 and I make the slow climb up the hill to Bedfordshire (not literally of course). Read a chapter of the latest book, before turning of the lights and lying in the dark fighting the final battle of the day, before a combination of the pills kicking in and the last of my energy running out, I fade into the black and await the next day to begin.

So there you have it a day in the inconsequential life of Jon in 800 words. Yeah it is actually 800 words including these words here, great isn’t it?

“Nothings all better, okay? Nothing ever gets better!”

- The Butterfly Effect

I'm So Sick..

Not really a proper post but today isnt going well and its something I feel needs to be said.

I'm Sick of this now, I'm Sick of these anxiety attacks, I'm Sick of this feeling loneliness & finally I'm Sick of nothing ever getting any better.

That is all!

**Normal posting will begin again shortly**

What Faith Can Do

This post will be a little deeper than the normal shit that I've been pumping out recently, trying to make  the blog a bit more high brow (who am I kidding?!) so hopefully you’ll enjoy this more intellectual post.

I have always been an atheist; I have never seen any evidence for the existence of any deity, if truth be told I've seen more reasons the non-existence of a so called “god”. Don’t get me wrong I can see the benefits and power that faith and belief can bring to people and I do believe that every human should have faith in something. But Deities just don’t do it for me. I have been open in the past (and I guess I’m still open to the idea of religion to this day). I have tried, in previous periods of depression and stress to turn to faiths including having opened a bible in search of some form of help or wisdom enclosed within. So why am I mentioning this now you maybe be wondering.

In the last few months I have spent many hours alone with music becoming the only thing to accompany me through these lonely periods in my life. I have noticed that within my listening habits have changed with a certain genre leaping to the fore, Christian Rock. Bands such as Kutless, Flyleaf & Our Lady Peace, jumping high up into my most listened to list. So how does music from religious types and religious subjects speaks to someone who is not a believer? Honestly I haven’t a clue... maybe it’s something to do with my openness to experiences or maybe a part of me subconsciously wishing to believe. Personally I think it maybe something to do more with the subject matter, that’s speaking to me. Subject matter based in hardship and persecution mixed with love which will always be reciprocated, which to me sounds mightily familiar to my current situation and the ultimate goal in life. Whatever truth behind it, it seems to be working, or at least in my view.

Maybe these will be my first baby steps into the world of religion  but on the other hand maybe not, maybe all I need is a little more faith in myself and my actions, only time will tell.

The Futures Bright..

.... the futures ... blue?

I've previously mentioned that I have many projects going on lately, these are thing that have built of over the last few years because I've been too focused trying to make relationships work when now with hindsight I should of given up on a while ago. Below is a summary of the biggest of these projects: 

A long time ago in a galaxy not so far away years ago in my so called "emo" years, I decided to redecorate my room it the most hideous shade of hot pink and black and have always regretted the pure crappiness of the paint job and the girly demeanour of my man cave. Well not anymore! In the past few weeks I have research and thought deeply on the subject on interior design and came up with what will eventually become my new room. Today the first step was taken with the first paint hitting the walls, Striking Cyan. Yes my room is turning into a modernist high contrast blue room and if that lingo confused you... frankly I don't care. I hoping that painting and all the associated stuff with re-designing a room such as furniture and art work will occupy me through the dark and miserable months of this winter.

My second project is.... myself. Yes I’m going to finish what I started three years ago. Now that I’m single once again its full steam ahead to re-invent myself by getting rid of all my old clothes, some which are over 8-9 years old (yeah I haven't grown much). As well as getting myself into a good standard of physical fitness. To help me achieve this I have been increasing my running distances and adding in more workouts every week. The only problem is that I have been getting fatigued lately due to a lack of protein into my system. Some of you may know that I have a mild lactose intolerance, which I am completely ignoring, supplementing my diet with large amounts of milk in the form of banana milkshakes, white hot chocolate & milky tees. This is helping me do more running each week as I dash to the shitters. But as they say "no pain, no gain". 

Finally I vowed that my new year’s resolution (2013), would be to take a bigger role in my life to help others, but I've decided that I shouldn't wait and should just get on with it now. I already volunteer for Berkshire Search & Rescue, so I hope to take on a closer relationship with the team. Step 1. is to create this year’s Christmas cards (yeah not really helping, but it’s a start). Using my "talent" for drawing cartoons I aim to caricature so of the more notable members of the group. But in all serious I’m vowing to spend more time fundraising, training and ultimately attending call-outs then ever before.

There you have it my three biggest projects for the time being, I will update you on my progress at the end of the year, so look forward to seeing the results then.

Watch this space!

***I've added a list of blog that i'm currently or am anticipating writing in a few months***

Back to blogger

Having used tumblr for sometime now, I have found it to not be as user friendly compared to other micro blogging websites such as blogger. So I've decided to transfer all my content back over to my original blog so now you can get all my content in one place, for your ease and mine.

So update your links and bookmarks!

“Concern should drive us into action and not into a depression. No man is free who cannot control himself.”

—	Pythagoras

I’m struggling on the old updates at the moment due to a mix between generally feeling increasingly shit and try to do too much all the time (got such a backlog of projects). Just be patient with me I’ve got several posts in draft which are almost finished so when I get the time I’ll whack them up.

Hello Ladies!

This is gonna be a bit of a odd post, but it comes out of a conversation on the subject a few weeks ago with a mate in the pub. Mixed with my lack of luck with the ladies recently i started to think about my view on the fairer sex and now that's done and I've had a good old think and here I present you with.... My 3 Weird Crushes!

1. Victoria Coren.

Pros:- Smart, Domineering & Open Minded

Cons:- Engaged to David Mitchell (not really a con)

2. Sarah Millcan

Pros:- Blonde, Busty & Hilariously Funny.

Cons:- Geordie Accent, Geordie accent & you guessed it... Geodie Accent

3. Melissa Rauch

Pros:- Tiny, Busty

Cons:- A Voice on Helium & A chin that could sink ships.

Clearly I'm a stereotypical male who thinks with his penis and have a thing for busty blondes .... and I've always thought that I preferred brunettes and redheads. Anyways that was an a weird and possibly unnecessary insight into the inter workings on my mind.

So Until Next Time!

I've Been Dredding This..

In this review I am to become the Judge, Jury, and Executioner. 24 hours after seeing the film I’m still undecided to whether I actually enjoyed the film. Don’t get me wrong, it didn’t bore me or leave me disenchanted. I went into the film with low expectations and for this reason I knew that it would be your typical special effects motivated action film with a lack of narrative or character progression buth that didn’t really affect me and In fact I enjoyed the gratuitous violence and special effects all the more. The one thing the film did right was its use of slow motion 3D. I have always been a staunch critic of the use of 3D in cinema. The only film I think that has gotten it right so far was Jackass 3D, the reason? Slow Motion 3D, something which I haven’t seen too many films use since. Whether through luck or genius the inclusion of the drug slo-mo to the motion (yes, it’s an awful lazy name), helped ensure the application of slow motion 3D throughout the film. 

Having watched and enjoyed the original Judge Dredd many times of the years I was a bit sceptical of Karl Urban’s portrayal of the character, but his performance completely won me over. His rough ready, emotionless performance even led me to completely forgot he was Eomer one of my favourite characters in Lord of the Rings, which was a welcome relief in a film in so few characters, one bad performance had the potential to ruin the film and unfortunately I think this is what happened. The major disappointment of the film was the lack of a decent arch-villain for Dredd to face off with. Lena Headey’s role as the ex-prostitute turn gang leader was a very weak and frankly a bit boring. Don’t get me wrong I love Lena in her role as the deluded maniacal Queen Cersi in the Game of Thrones TV series. But this role just didn’t suit her personality or her acting ability.

The final disappointment was that for a film that is clearly aimed at young males (9 males under 30 was the audience), I don’t think the film did enough to appeal to this sort of audience, maybe trying to make it appeal more universal in the process. Consequently there was very little female sex appeal or nudity. Bless Olivia Thirlby; although it’s the most attractive I have ever seen her, my god the blonde hair! (Never really noticed hair before on a woman in that way, but hers I really got to me). She isn’t really attractive enough to pull off the sexy sidekick, these films stereotypically have. With no other eye candy the film was distinctly lacking in this department.

 So the Final Scores are…..

 ** 2/5 Stars

Pros: Slow Motion 3D Work

Cons: Lack of comedy, nudity & sex appeal.

You don't know the power of the dark side!

Yes I realise that this blog has started off in a very dark place, but unfortunately that’s where I am at emotionally at the moment. I understand that this doesn’t make for great reading or entertainment, Hopefully this will change soon and the blog will becoming a mixture of both fun, happy and entertaining posts as well as the darker, also in-depth, therapeutic, looks at my own existence. 

I’m off to see the new Dredd film tonight, with a few mates so hopefully I’ll post up a mini-review of that within the next few days, hopefully that will start off the less dark posts, and I have a few other ideas which I’ll pop up when I get some time.

On that note

Watch This Space!

“To run away from trouble is a form of cowardice and, while it is true that the suicide braves death, he does it not for some noble object but to escape some ill.”

—

Aristotle

How The Blockbuster Began

In the film, The Butterfly Effect, the series or chain of events is referred to as the blockbuster. I have also been calling the chain of events I set off several years ago the same thing. And now since Wednesday the 19th of September a day that’s only significant to me and one other. The day would have been the 3rd anniversary of me and a girl that I loved for 9 years. (Even though the date isn’t correct and never was I conceded to let her think it was. That’s a different story!)

My Blockbuster started about 1 & half years ago in my final year of university. It was winter time with snow on the ground and frozen ponds. It was at this time that I was experience the largest depression I had felt in years, in fact since I tried to kill myself at the age of 16. This combined with the stress of university exams and dissertation over whelmed me entirely. My only lifeline, the only thing that kept me hanging on? Her…

When I needed her the most, to be there holding me in her arms and she backed out of coming to see me. This utterly destroyed the last hopes I had of hanging on. That night I did something I regretted, I broke up with her and took myself off miles into the Surrey countryside to kill myself. That night I spent several hours contemplating on the side of a frozen lake to jump in. The freezing cold water instantly shocking me into a form of paralysis and robbing my lungs of air, it would not have been a pretty way to go and i would not have the strength to fight. Why I did I not jump in? Her…

Since then there has been a shadow hanging over a future relationship, of mistrust and inability to get pasted what happened that night, on both our accounts. This is what I truly believe was one of the major issues led to the eventual break up 1 and a half years later. This has since left me feeling if I should have jumped that night. Why? To save her from me…

to be continued….

“I’d think twice about what you’re doing. You could wake up a lot more fucked up than you are now”

—	Thumper - Butterly Effect

Wings of the Butterfly

The Butterfly Effect has held the crown of my favourite film of all time, despite many contenders challenging it over the years. Still it holds a pride of place in my mind. When I first saw in many years I found it a thought provoking and thoroughly entertaining psychological thriller. But the true reason why I hold it in such high regard is because through the years and many repeat viewings and different versions of the film, it has taught me more about myself than I’ve ever cared to give it credit for. With each viewing I increasingly associate with the film and see parallels within my own life more and more.

No I’m not saying I have magical super powers to be able to go back in time to change moment in the past, if I had I would have ended up like the Directors Cut and I would not be here talking to you now. Instead both the stigma and the love story echo to my own experiences in life. The moral of the film it that of the so called butterfly effect in chaos theory.

“It has been said that something as small as the flutter of a butterfly’s wing can ultimately cause a typhoon halfway around the world - Chaos Theory”  

In other words a small change at one place in time can result in drastically large differences to a later time. It is this theory there has been much truth in my life, where decisions I made up to 7 year ago, has drastically changed my life and led me to where I stand today. Alone and in the Wreck of the life that I’d always wanted and dream of. It is now in this moment that I see this and must learn from its lesson, which after today’s viewing seems even clearer in my mind and I have to thank to film for place this concept clearly in my mind once again. As I grow older, but not so wiser I’m sure it will continue to watch this great film over & over to teach me more lessons.

From Small Beginnings...

As many of you may now know and for those of you who don’t know, in the last few weeks my life has slowly but surely fallen apart around me, leaving me in the ashes of a mistake that I’ve regretted for the last month as it set all these situations in to motion.

The mistake you ask? I naively thought I could control a condition of was diagnosed with several years ago. Cyclothymic Disorder, a form of rapid cycling bipolar, I have lived these past years fighting the constant battle with my mind. For too long I fought this battle alone, and the toll it has now reaped has left me broken, but it may have won the battle but I’m determined not to let it win the war!

The first offensive in this new war was to tell my closest friends, something I’ve never wanted to tell anyone. The stigma of mental illness is well founded in modern society and has led me down this dangerous road, where I’ve lost close friends and ones I’ve loved over the fear of anyone knowing. Now that phase has ended to next attack with be on here…. the internet and in particular this blog, where you the world will find out more about me than I’ve cared to share with anyone for years.

Hopefully with you as reinforcements I can turn the tables and start to win. For that I thank any of you who are reading this, feel free to comment, ask me questions and generally interact with this blog and I’ll appreciate it and thank you again in advance