In the film, The Butterfly Effect, the series or chain of events is referred to as the blockbuster. I have also been calling the chain of events I set off several years ago the same thing. And now since Wednesday the 19th of September a day that’s only significant to me and one other. The day would have been the 3rd anniversary of me and a girl that I loved for 9 years. (Even though the date isn’t correct and never was I conceded to let her think it was. That’s a different story!)
My Blockbuster started about 1 & half years ago in my final year of university. It was winter time with snow on the ground and frozen ponds. It was at this time that I was experience the largest depression I had felt in years, in fact since I tried to kill myself at the age of 16. This combined with the stress of university exams and dissertation over whelmed me entirely. My only lifeline, the only thing that kept me hanging on? Her…
When I needed her the most, to be there holding me in her arms and she backed out of coming to see me. This utterly destroyed the last hopes I had of hanging on. That night I did something I regretted, I broke up with her and took myself off miles into the Surrey countryside to kill myself. That night I spent several hours contemplating on the side of a frozen lake to jump in. The freezing cold water instantly shocking me into a form of paralysis and robbing my lungs of air, it would not have been a pretty way to go and i would not have the strength to fight. Why I did I not jump in? Her…
Since then there has been a shadow hanging over a future relationship, of mistrust and inability to get pasted what happened that night, on both our accounts. This is what I truly believe was one of the major issues led to the eventual break up 1 and a half years later. This has since left me feeling if I should have jumped that night. Why? To save her from me…
to be continued….
No comments:
Post a Comment